Frustrations

Our weekend away was glorious! The drive there was a little complicated due to some Windows-screensaver-like scattered snow showers, but it was sooo worth it! Luckily, everything was like it was described on the website, and we were welcomed on to a small farm owned by two lovely women and a warm fireplace in a cozy room- right above the horse stalls (it was extremely well insulated, and you could barely hear, let alone smell the horses in the apartment we were in). We were able to spend time with their animals, ride horses, and explore the nearby villiages. Although it was cold, we were able to get a fair amount of fresh air in before not being able to feel our extremities. Lots of cooking, napping, and relaxing in front of the fire was had.

This was all very nice, since on Thursday, before I needed to leave to get my blood pregnancy test, I started spotting. It wasn't consistent, so I went anyway, and on Friday, right before I went riding, it was confirmed that try number 3 (we don't count the first 2 where my Thyroid wasn't OK) was a bust.

Although it is "only" try number 3, we have had the emotional and financial strains of the other 2 tries, and I was dealing fine until we got home. Last night I broke down sobbing in the bathtub, feeling like those tests will never be positive for us. I know it is silly, but that is how it makes me feel after I know that I did everything I could and it still didn't work- 13 years of learning Catholic guilt in school doesn't go away quickly, even though I know I am doing my best.

Equally upsetting was getting the confirmation of what I suspected- that the next cycle will probably have to be another forced break because German holidays trump everything (even ovulation, which you of course cannot plan). I just feel like we are not being taken seriously at all, and are viewed as a cash cow- especially since when I wrote the clinic to ask if they were open over the Easter weekend, I also asked the doctor if he would like to look at my charts (he has always ignored the fact that I chart), and this question was completely ignored.

So, I have typed up ALLL of my questions (including when they recommend IVF and the costs) and am going to go  over it with Broom and request a telephone appointment with our doctor so that we can talk about how we should continue our treatment. We are also going to see if there are other nearby clinics who might- due to the changing political climate- be willing to treat us. I am tired of spending money with people who don't respect us enough to answer our questions.  

I'm going to let myself be sad, angry, and depressed for a little longer, and then I just need to keep on repeating to myself: "We will have a baby."