My first experience with a natural healer

On Friday, I went to see a natural healer for the first time.
They are quite prevalent in Germany, and since I have started Biodanza, I have opened myself up to more natural ways of healing, eating, and a way of life in general (which the books I have recently purchased on organic pregnancy and homeopathy can confirm).*
I selected the healer based on proximity to our apartment, how I liked the website, and what treatments they offer.

As expected, the initial visit concentrated on getting to know one another. I let him know right away that I am in a same-sex marriage and that we are trying to conceive, and that I most likely have too much stress at work. He was very open and asked a lot of questions, and he read my eyes. (Iridology is new to me, and I have a lymphatic constitution, which for the most part, makes sense to me.)
Based on that, he could confirm my thyroid problem, and also let me know that I have weak ovaries and a weak spleen. The course of treatment is an anthrophosophical medicine that I am to take 4x a day to strengthen my nerves against stress and exhaustion.

Based on how the insemination goes next week (if we don't miss ovulation based on the holidays...and I am fibbing about using a shot again....just would rather not piss off the flippant doctor), we will see if we do anthrophosophic shots to strengthen my ovaries and my spleen. Also, he suggested ear acupuncture to reduce stress (which you can only do if you are not pregnant). What I find most interesting, is that he was really interested in my cycle charts, whereas the fertility "specialists" don't care at all about all of this wondrous data, electing instead to scare me into taking unnatural fertility drugs that leave me feeling out of touch with my body.

So, we will see how it goes next week, I have an appointment to get my follicles measured on the 2nd and expect, if our timing is ok, to have to go for the insemination on the 3rd or the 4th. Hopefully my body will pull through and react to the relaxing pills and other natural substances I am using to try and encourage this to work.



* This is in no way a sponsored post, I just thought you might like to know what I am reading...

Feiertage

Ahh, the holidays!
They can be especially hard in the years that I can't make it home for Christmas, but this year was OK, all things considered. We kept things pretty low-key, and only spent the 24th with family (well, Broom's mom, but that was enough). Since it started off with comments from her that can lead one to run away screaming, we started drinking wine relatively early. That seemed to help, and the evening was even fun, playing monopoly, and me explaining to my somewhat homophobic mother in law all about all of the steps one has to go through in Germany to become pregnant as two women in a civil union.

It was rather interesting, to say the least, and in her subdued state, she couldn't change the subject (or I didn't let her, I don't really remember, come to think of it...).

The next morning was a little rough, which was only magnified by the fact that I caught Broom's cold and had a fever for about a day and a half. I am still carrying it around with me, now without fever. With any luck, I will be done with my coughing and stuffy nose, etc. by New Year's Eve.

For that ever-so-fateful evening (ha), we will be spending the night with 11 other women, 2 of whom we know quite well, and the rest are either acquaintances or strangers, and we are really looking forward to a quiet night with good food and good people.

Enjoy the holidays, Blogosphere!

Winter Wonderland

I came back from a wonderfully relaxing trip seeing my family to a cloud of snow, draped across the German countryside. I was so jet lagged at first, that when we finally did break the cloud cover to land at the bigger airport (before I flew on to my final destination), I thought there was something wrong with the clouds! That is what 4 flights in one "day" will do to you....

Amazingly, I didn't do much on my vacation, but I did soak up time with my family, doing homework with my nieces and being together with my 3 siblings (this was the first time we had all been together since 2009). One of my nieces in the 4th grade had to write someone a letter, and I convinces her to write me one. She asked me to come over to her house after her lice was gone! Luckily, I got a picture in before my sister had her change it. Funny moments like that are those that I really miss. But I am glad that I could really be "there" if that makes sense.

Also prevalent in my visit was explaining to my family how little rights we have, since a majority of them were heavily upset that Obama won. Now, "to each their own" and shit, but my argument to that- especially to my family is:

"Don't you ever want me to be able to live here again? With my wife?"

For many of them, that was enough to finally realize what DOMA truly takes away from me and them (since they say that I don't make it home often enough). Others countered with "Aren't you happy in Germany?"
Where I wanted to scream: SOOOO not the point here, people!!!

It can be hard when those I love don't understand what these laws mean; even though to be fair, I think most of them do not want to take away my rights when they voted for the opposition. However, it can be really trying not to take it personally. This is my life, and they voted to take away my rights- the rights of their daughter, sister, aunt, and cousin.

I can only hope, that in a few years, that they realize how important gay rights are. Generally, I really don't care who they vote for, since they love me the way I am, (although I think if we all supported one another more, our society would be a better one), but on this issue I only have the option to take it personally. I am a one issue voter here, and maybe through my explanations some of my family members will be too.

This issue is my life.

Third try is not a charm

Well, despite lots of good feelings, my temperature dropped (needs to stay high for pregnancy, drops when you get your period) and my period started. At least it was a clear "no" as my body tends to start periods oddly, which could lead me to belive that it is just implantation spotting. Now I can fly to see my family in the states today knowing the answer and knowing that we did what we could- it was a good, natural try.

Depending on how you look at it, it was our third total try, or our first try after finding out that my thyroid problems probably started up right before our first try without us knowing (the test a month before was fine). Either way, 6 tries is the average, and the more tries we do, the closer we get to a try that works. We have decided to do the next tries naturally as well, so that I can read my body better. I think I owe it to my reproductive system to let it do its thing all on its own, a sign of respect and trust if you will. We are so lucky that we can afford to give my body this chance and not get intimidated by the doctors and their insistance that we use fertility drugs, since multiples aren't really what we are trying for here!

So, I will get on a plane with mixed emotions today, but knowing how lucky we are to be doing this in the first place. It will be easier to have a drink with family than having to come up with excuses about why I cannot drink. On that note, since Christmas in Germany (and in the US, for that matter), is not a "dry" matter, we have decided that it would be less stress to have our next try in Jan. rather than rushing to the gyno right after I get back and seeing if we can get an appointment. This way, the holidays will just have their normal stress, which is quite enough, really.

Happy Thanksgiving, all! I know I have so much to be thankful for, especially my family (which will hopefully be bigger soon), and my dear Broom.

Only a little more waiting

...and we will know if it worked!

I have done a good job of being distracted, especially since work has been really busy.
The only thing that has been foiling my plans are the "signs" that I have been having (since we will only know later if they are actually signs or not).
They include: tender breasts (and one evening nipples of fire, OMFG, that woke me up), pulling in my uterus- every single day, mood swings, exhaustion, and peeing lots and lots among other things that are also PMS signs. So, I am trying to take it all with a grain block of salt. Additionally, I had a temperature drop and spike, which has stayed up today, and we will see what tomorrow brings.
Other than trying not to lose my mind- which I think Broom would confirm has been hit or miss depending on my current mood swing, I have been having a good week. Glad to be busy, but I will also be glad to know soon. We will test on Wednesday at the latest, maybe Tuesday if I can't stand it anymore and my temperature is still up.

Other than all of the waiting, work has at least provided me with some comic relief in the form of an employee from a personnel search company who kept on going on and on about someone he had that was perfect for HR. Even after we told him that we don't have a vacancy and don't know anyone who does, (Hello? Even if my sweater shows my belly a bit, don't assume anything here, it just makes you look like an ass because I was bloated during the meeting, mkay? And just because someone has a belly in Germany does not automatically mean that they are pregnant!), he sent us her profile summary. If that were not enough, he sent us the link to the website that he has for his bird breeding- which he spoke about in detail while there to talk about the company that he works for. He asked us to evaluate his website. Very professional!

Keep those fingers crossed and those thumbs pressed!

Either our timing was really good...

...or really bad! Regardless, we will know in about two weeks. We will see if I am patient enough to actually wait until the 23rd to take a test, or if I take one before I fly back to the states for Thanksgiving on the 21st. If we wait, I will have to take the test on Skype with Broom, which would certainly be very cute.

So, yesterday we woke up and went and picked up my sick note from the local gyno before I drove Broom to an interview and waited for her to get done. The interview went well and we were able to start our approx. 2 hour drive (unfortunately right past the exit where I work, so NO stress there, haha) to the clinic for our appointment at 13:30. We got there an hour and half early and took a half an hour power nap in the car, wrapped up in blankets I have there for emergencies. We were both completely out cold! We walked into the clinic the required 30 minutes early and had to wait until about 14:00 to actually get into the treatment room. I had been having ovulation pain all morning, so I was surprised that my egg was still there, but it was! (The ultrasound for that costs €30 more than at my gyno, which was unfortunately not a surprise.)

Our Dr. (the first insem we have actually had him for, the other times it was someone else) said it was no problem for Broom to push the plunger and that his appointment calendar was such that we could also stay in the room with me tilted back for 15 minutes. We lied when they asked if we did the shot, and then he told me to do two more to assist implantation, but neglected to ask if we needed a prescription, so we didn't tell him we only have one shot at home, which we aren't going to use. So, completely natural this cycle!

Now, I am sitting here drinking my after-ovulation tea, trying not to read too much into my temp this morning, as I think my thermometer is broken. My temp had dropped, according to my first reading, but after seeing that, I put 2 thermometers in my mouth at the same time and got really different readings (don't you have a thermometer collection, too?). Anywho, I can't change anything now if I wanted to, and I still feel good about this month. I am curious to see if I can resist taking an OPK test today, but I didn't take one yesterday and my first positive was on Thursday at 14:30, which would have been perfect.

Now, on to the waiting!

The art of taking ovulation tests at work

I have become an expert this week! Yay me!
With my cheap tests that I bought online (which have worked no problem), I have peed in plastic cups in the bathroom at work where I thought I would not be disturbed. Then, I placed the test in the liquid before carefully putting the test back on its packaging either on the TP dispenser or the floor. Afterwards, I emptied the cup and threw it away before putting the test it put back in its packaging and either putting it carefully in my pocket or carefully under my bra strap.

Option two, which I have never tried (to not look like the weirdo who doesn't go to the bathroom without a plastic cup in hand) is cupping your hand and peeing in that before following the other steps (tip: use your dry hand to put the test down and get TP to dry off your wet hand). Don't ask me how I know, but at least my commitment cannot be called into question!

So, my constant OPK testing has paid off! After a bunch of light lines, I finally got a nice bright positive this afternoon. Alll without any meds!

This morning, my gyno said that I had "textbook" cervical mucous (this is the same doctor who told me I look like I had lost a bunch of weight since my breasts are so big, so she is great with awkward compliments) and measured a follicle on my right side with 20mm and a cushy endometrium! After the great news, I called the clinic who waited 3 hours to call back and give me an appointment. They told me to use an hCG shot right away and come in tomorrow morning. Ah, no thank you, I'm at work and obviously my body is doing it's own thing without any chemicals. Since the shot usually triggers ovulation 36 hours after injection, it would be a waste anyway, and all signs point to ovulation tomorrow- so no way, José. I told the nurse (since the Dr. has only once called me himself), who seemed flabbergasted- but then again, it is my body. So there. Hopefully the Dr. won't be upset, but he can deal with it.

Keep your fingers crossed tomorrow! I feel a little bad missing important meetings at work, but getting pregnant is more important than that to me (and my local gyno offered to give me a sick note so that mine isn't from the clinic, which is in another city and might raise some questions- really sweet of her).

Oh, please treat me (like a second-class citizen)

I started off the week with a good feeling about this cycle, even though the government here decided against giving same-sex civil unions the same tax benefits. For us, this makes a big difference. I am lucky enough to have a good paying job, so that all we have to do in a month where we are trying is spend a little less, or I offset something for a month to my credit card and pay it off the next month. Once (I am still hopeful) we get these rights, I would pay considerably less in taxes...so now we have to figure out how we want to submit our tax return from last year. Grrr.

This good feeling continued with my follicle ultrasound on Friday, which reported 3 follicles, 1 of which was 12mm (which is just fine for day 9, and that rhymes). I called the clinic, and they were in a hurry, talked to the dr. and then told me to get another ultrasound on Monday, and blood tests, and byebye (no time for questions!). Luckily enough, the local dr. squeezed me in (hey, I am paying out of pocket = truly shorter waiting times at the gyno), and then proceeded to let me know that 2 out of 3 of the blood results clinic dr. wanted (E2/Estradiol, LH, and progesterone) don't really make sense to get now, since I am in the middle of my cycle.


After that fun, the ultrasound showed that the biggest follicle that was on my left ovary on Friday was gone, and I either ovulated already, or won't ovulate this cycle, "which happens even at your age". I was completely confused, since it was only day 12 and I usually ovulate on day 14-16, so it was way too early, and all of my statistics with my basal temp (which NO ONE ever asks to see, but I refuse to ignore) didn't jive with an ovulation that early. But, I forgot to ask if maybe your temp doesn't jump when you don't ovulate...and, the gyno didn't seem to care that I had been using LH strips since Sat. and had only had a very faint, not yet positive line. GAH.

So, I am going to *gasp* trust my body, and assume that I have yet to ovulate and keep artfully taking OPKs at work (which really is a science, as I don't want my boss to know). We will see what comes first- a +OPK today, or a good ultrasound tomorrow telling me that I have, indeed, yet to ovulate.


On a lovely side note- thank the stars that Obama won again! Maybe, one day, we will have the option of living in the US, if we choose to do so. I read it and cried!

I know I shouldn't feel guilty about all the "shoulds"...

...but of course, I do! Some might attribute this to my religious upbringing (13 years of Catholic schooling, check!), but I think a part of it can be attributed to culture, and of course, some of it is just plain old me.

A (random) list of "shoulds" running around in my head right now:

- shorten curtains in the kids room
- staple back of cupboard back on
- meditate to be calmer for the insem next week
- stop guessing when the insem might be, (since the doctor hasn't set a date yet), so as to think about how bad me missing a day at work might be and if my boss notices that the doctor's note is from really far away...
- start learning Spanish again
- clean out papers and organize kids room

- do taxes, since the German lawmakers decided not to give Broom and I tax rights even though this was declared unconstitutional (WTF?)
- finish my book

All of this, floating around my head even though I used this random, middle of the week holiday to help a friend move, start a new loaf of bread, make dinner, and am going to the gym later. I have been progressively working on getting rid of those feelings of needing to be productive, and Broom has been a big help in helping me get leveled here. In fact, it seems as if she has slowed me down a bit in this respect and I have sped her up, which is working out great, but is indeed a long process. Hopefully I am right in thinking that everyone feels this way at least some of the time, although often I wonder "how do they make it all look so easy?"

Speaking of helping my friend move- should I feel guilty about having stumbled across her dildo/vibrator? They were not very organized, and somehow I was packing her top drawers, and there it was in all of its red glory. I just wrapped the undershirts around it so that maybe she would think that I didn't see it and packed it away and labeled the box with her name (so hopefully she will be the one who opens it and not her kids). A moving company really would have been a good investment for them, but I am NOT lifting weights at the gym tonight.

On that note, I am off to do the curtains!

Start your engines

Ironic, isn't it?
First, I post about having free time, then I kind of briefly, forget that I have a blog.
Happens to the best of us, amirite?

Anywho, since I tempted the universe with that post, my workload blew up in my face, leading to the new feeling that 10 hour days were "short". I am, however, still eternally grateful that my boss is the bee's knees & at least half of all of our employee issues are her responsibility & I get to play a supporting role. (Oh, how I would love to be able to blog about each of them in detail!) Let's just sum all of them up with "What do you mean I can't send a completely disrespectful and unprofessional email to HR and not expect consequences?!?" Um...no.

Other than work, I am glad to say that Broom's stress has also gotten less, which means that things are altogether running more smoothly.

It was the perfect setup to go on a 1.5 week vaycay to Dublin. The city is so highly idealized where I come from that I had really high expectations. It wasn't as "old" looking as I had expected, but it was great fun and visiting the neighboring coastal cities was amazing. Also, some of the nicest locals I have ever met! They go out of their way to make sure you get help, even taking time out of their own busy commute. Catching up with my rents and relaxing was just what I needed.

Luckily, I was able to come back to the news that I am healthy again!
Told the Dr. via email right away, so we should be able to try again in about 3 weeks.
It feels good to know we can start working towards this goal of ours again.

And then there was free time?!?

It is quite an odd sensation, suddenly not to have all of the responsibility at work.
I wasn't sure how it would go, or if I would like it.
To be honest, I am still getting used to it, but I quite like it!

Now, I can ask someone for help and a second opinion AND we can split the work.

To boot, she is my boss and an incredibly nice person who I feel like I can be friends with and trust to be a great coworker. It feels like a new beginning, after the past year filled with tons of overtime and stress.
Being able to go home at normal times is something that I will definately have to get used to as time goes on, but I think I am going to be surprisingly ok with not being the boss anymore. It isn't my time yet, I have other priorities and am slowly getting more time to think about which ones I would like to put first. Thinking about myself and what to do with my free time is the more scary part, but since it will be a gradual change to just 40 hours a week, I think I will slowly be able to get used to having a balanced life again.

That sounds just about right!

Family Fun

The past couple of weeks have been filled with more family time than I am used to, and most of it was a pleasant surprise (or, at least a partial surprise).

My brother is in the Army and I knew he might get sent to the Schland for a class from where he is currently deployed in the Middle East, but I also knew that it quite possibly wouldn't happen either. So, to my surprise, he told me on Thursday that it was looking good, and let me know that he had his ticket on Friday. On Saturday, he called at 7am to say he was in Istanbul.

The Broom and I hopped in the car and drove 3 hours to where he was and we hung out for Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday before we had to drive back (this was the weekend before our birthday- so it was a great present for us to be able to almost spend it together for the first time in over 5 years). This past weekend he was able to drive up to see us and our apartment and the beautiful city we live in.

Yesterday we got to hike through some breathtaking landscapes that are really close to where we live, which reminded us to get out and discover them more. I think most of us have some sort of piece of impressive nature nearby that we often take for granted and forget to explore. We will be doing our best to regularly explore these wonders!

On the flip side, I realized how disconnected from my in-laws I feel. Not only have many of them rejected Broom in multiple ways, but they make no effort to show interest in us or what we are doing. They don't agree with our lifestyle, and haven't learned to express love for us despite that. I told my mother in law how all of this made us feel and how I am not ashamed of anything and that it hurts that she doesn't defend us (along with a list of other things). The sad part is, that she admitted that what I said wouldn't change how she treats us- I just made sure to emphasize again that we will not bring any children we have around people that make them feel less than loved for who they are.

It may still be awhile until we can try again (my Thyroid still isn't where it should be, and they have upped my dosage), but when we can and do get pregnant, I will not having family making our children ashamed for the loving household that brought them into this world. They will have to fight against that early enough, so as long as I can control that influence, I will.

Appearances

Many Germans are all about "looking the part" and appearing to have it all pulled together.
So much so, that those who work as maids will often wear nice clothes on public transportation, change into their work clothes at work, and back into their nice clothes for the bus ride home.

The same is seen in the gym- people come in after work in their work clothes, change into workout clothes, and then put back on their work clothes (If these people always showered in between, I would get it, but many do not since I am at the cheap gym where you have to pay to use the showers.). All because those clothes aren't appropriate for going out.

My in-laws are similar, dressing up to see one another- all the time- and criticizing us if we don't.

I hope I never overrate appearances, because there is so much you just don't see.

The hurt of someone who has just lost a loved family member, the worry of someone rushing off to an interview, the depression of someone struggling with the disease, all of these things can be hidden by looking "normal" or "ordentlich" (orderly). It is so freeing to know that it doesn't matter what appears- you may be a "straight-looking" woman who gets weird looks at bars and clubs when you are with your wife- but YOU know who YOU are and often, appearances don't reflect that.

Right now, I appear to be putting all of my energy into work, but I am holding back in the hopes that the bloodwork they drew today will let me know on Friday that we can begin trying to become pregnant again. And that's where I need my energy.

Distraction

I am pleased to say that my moods have pretty much normalized after having a bad weekend last weekend- I just felt very out of control of my emotions. Depressed, moody, and a very low self-esteem. I think that was my body adjusting to the new thyroid medication and I feel much better now and look forward to my blood work in a few weeks.

In the meantime, I have been really busy at work and although I am quite good at what I do and I feel like it makes a difference for the individuals that I help, but sometimes it feels a little lost in the grand scheme of things and I wonder if my "real" calling will reveal myself. I have been clocking a lot of overtime, which I hope to be able to stop soon- but it is hard for me since there is no one else in my department to fall back on. On the one hand, I know that once my body is ready for us to try again, that my stress should be as low as possible, it is hard to reduce it when I am fighting through all of the work alone.

So, in the meantime, I am doing my best to distract myself with real life and really enjoy it. Sometimes easier said than done for me, as I always weigh myself down with needing to have accomplished things to feel good about myself. I am not 100% sure where it comes from, but it is something that I have always had.

Here is to letting go on this hot Saturday in the Schland.

Back to the Grind

Hey there, virtual (and I suppose, somewhere, real as well) people!

I'm back from by "buscation" and it is good to be home. It really is where the heart is. I often still refer to where I was born and raised to "home", but it isn't really. It is that super-familiar place where you know where the spoons, toilet paper, and junk food are, but still feel like a guest in some aspect.

My business part of my trip went by quickly enough, which helped! Got a lot done in the office and even saw an old dear friend and her family before telling everyone that would listen (and some who would have rather not listened) that I would only be reachable for emergencies and my business email could go fuck itself. It was a great decision!

I got in lots of baby holding time and got to see lots of family. The few friends I still have in and around where I grew up even took off work to see me, which made me feel really special and was great fun. I often have trouble feeling like I don't do enough or relax enough while I am there, or like I don't see enough people- which can make it hard to call it vacation. This time was harder than usual, I missed Broom a lot and really felt out of it although I had a good time.

The reason behind it was clear when I was back in the Schland and had some routine blood work scheduled for right when I got back. Turns out my thyroid is messed up again, which explains by low basal temperature, my anxiety, and generally being off. I've been on meds for hypothyroidism (not enough) for almost 2 years now and they upped my dosage for the baby making.

Now that it is off again, we have decided to wait to try again until it is OK. A hard, but good decision, although I wish I could say I dealt OK with it- but it felt like breaking. I have to reassure myself that it is OK to feel that way and fine to be so emotional about it, especially since my emotions are off right now and will be until my body absorbs the extra medicine which could take two weeks. With this and the lovely cold I brought back from the US of A, I am exhausted and practicing being patient with myself.

Nevertheless, it is good to be home and even better to have Broom to go through this stuff with. I just know she will get a job that isn't shite, and we will get pregnant; but both of those important life steps have their own time lines- and cannot be rushed.

A Short Break

Despite all of the "signs" and feelings I was having, and  my period being weird- my temperature tanked and all of the pregnancy tests I took were negative. I was pretty surprised but think that I handled it better than last time.

But, alas, I do know that two tries isn't that much, and look forward to another one in July.

Tomorrow I am flying to the states for a business trip after which I will be going to my hometown state for a few weeks. I am really looking forward to seeing all of my family. There are so many babies and pregnant woman abound that I hope that my emotions don't get the best of me. I find myself with the urge to walk through the baby department just to look at the little clothes. I keep telling myself that that is ok and that it will happen soon.

Enjoy your summertime wherever you are!

6 More Days!

Until we can test, that is ;)

Our 2nd insem went really, really well. The Dr. was super nice and gave us time for us to rest with my legs up, which certainly helps!

Since then, I've had some cramps and other prego symptoms, but it is so close to PMS symptoms that it is cruel. We will see, I guess! Today my temperature jumped, which is another great sign, but I am trying to remain hesitantly optimistic while reading everything I can get my hands on about this whole process..

Hopefully the next few days will go by quickly :)

More Fun with Waiting

I have tried to make things revolve less around the whole baby making stuff, and it works, but only off and on.

Today I had my follicles measured, so I am waiting to hear from the dr that does the insem about when I should come in. I am thinking it will probably be Saturday, but we will see.

Through meditation and trusting in my body, I hope to make the process easier on us and myself, but we will see what Mother Nature has in mind.

Another random German holiday on Monday, which means we will be able to relax, which is really nice. May has been really good for those, but I am thinking that since I had to leave earlier today for my dr and tax (ugh) appointment, that I will need to stay later tomorrow. But it is hard to be motivated to do relatively unimportant (at least to me, with consideration of what we are trying to do here) tasks while all my head will do is think about whether or not this is going to work this time and what I can do to help it along.

Here is to hoping that the dr calls before I have to go get my taxes done and that I get more money back than last year! :)

Centering

As you may have guessed, my lack of posting could really only mean one thing- either it worked and I am preoccupied with being pregnant, or it didn't and I am preoccupied with the fact that I am not.

I regret to say it is the latter, although I feel like Broom and I are dealing with it OK. However,  my body wasn't in a place to give me clear signals- either because it was affected by the hormones that I took to support the whole process, or because I might actually have been pregnant for a hot minute. It took a hospital visit to make me feel better, since I was cramping weirdly. But the doctor was considerate and gentle, and took our feelings and fears into consideration. What a change from the insemination itself!

I have been meditating on it (my new goal is to meditate 20 minutes a day) and know that my body truly knows what it is doing. I have also been visualising the whole process and apologizing/explaining to my body what the chemicals are for. After it works, I will do my best to let my body deal with whatever comes our way naturally, but for now, I do agree with why we are using them.  I am already on the hormones again, and the date that we will have to take our drive will be determined on Thursday after my local dr. measures my follicles. Most likely on Sunday or Monday we will have to make another trip. I am looking forward to using some techniques I have read about online to distract me from the two-week wait, as it easily causes me to obsess. In fact, since we will be doing 3 hCG shots, we will have to wait 3 days past the two-week time period to test, but hopefully it goes by fast.

Through the meditation, sewing, cooking, reading, movie watching, and exercise, I hope to make my work stress a little less and distract myself without stressing about stressing (sounds complicated, but trust me- it isn't).

So, virtual world, if you could spare a few positive thoughts in the general direction of my reproductive organs, then we would greatly appreciate it. I don't know how couples that do this for years deal, it is super hard, but I trust in my body, this process, our relationship, and the fact that the world does need another "homo baby" to two fully committed women who can't wait to love and raise a child.

As It Turns Out…

…I am really turning into Ms. Betty Crocker. Not only have I utterly and truly discovered my love for cooking- but I am actually good at it. Like not only do I follow recipes and make them great- but I can also look at ingredients and spices and make up dishes that are really good. It is like something clicked in my head and I decided to trust that part of my head that assigns tastes to colors and foods and intrinsically knows what will taste good together and how to make that happen. I can even make cream sauces from scratch, people. And I’ve started baking my own bread. We have gotten so used to  baking our own bread that Broom does it too (although I am admittedly partial to the recipe that I use, that I found using the interwebz- so don’t be afraid, I haven’t gotten so good to the point that I am making up my own bread recipes.

Being able to cook makes me feel great- especially since I haven’t always trusted myself in the kitchen like I do now. This is something that I have learned since my relationship with food has gotten better, something that has been developing since I met Broom, and it is wonderful to come home after a really long day and make something delicious and know it was ME. I had the idea, I threw it together. It was all under my control and there are even leftovers for lunch. Does it get any better?

It makes me feel extremely confident and capable and special to be able to make something that tastes good to Broom and I and I can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to finding out what our future children will like the most out of everything that we cook.

To add fire to the flames of the Crockeryness (not a word, but let’s just pretend), I got a quite early birthday present of a sewing machine. It has been years since I used one with the Girl Scouts to make a duffel bag, but after the Mother in Law  showed me how it worked, I went straight to work and made a pillowcase to match our curtains (I know- our place just keeps getting more and more grown up- which feels odd sometimes). The pillowcase worked people! (I know, all it has to do is hold a pillow, but it does this marvelously, trust me.) First try and I didn’t even ruin anything.

I know I am still a sewing rookie, but I really like the idea of crafting something with my own hands and holding it up to myself with a “yesss!” Eventually I want to sew shirts, dresses, and co., especially since I have problems finding things where my chest fits in, but like so many other things in my life right now, it is really all about the baby steps.

All the Waiting...

....is driving me CRAZY!

Our 1st try went much different than expected, largely because the doctor was a douchecanoe.

Admittedly, we were a bit late, but we had warned them that this might be the case due to the drive and all of the construction sites along the way. The reassured us that they would not be thawing the sperm until we arrived.

Once we got there, they gave the order to thaw it and then the doc came by to say that he had to go do something real quick (not really off to a great start here, since once it is thawed, you need to use it right away).

After 20 minutes, he was back, and had us in his office. He then proceeded to ask the nurse about why we didn't have any blood work (I forgot this part, but was trying to tell him myself- and anyway, we wanted to see if mostly nature and good timing would work on the first try) and to go on about how we needed shots to trigger ovulation. I was just irritated that he didn't speak directly to us! Even though we explained to him that our normal dr. (who had that day off) had accepted our decision to only use the Clomid, he did make a striking argument.

He then proceeded to go on about how it could be possible that I won't ovulate at all and that we even need to make sure that I hadn't already. I tried to explain to him that I am charting and using ovulation tests, but he seemed so...hurried. We even received our bill beforehand!

So, he then ushered us into the examination room, where he waited impatiently for me to get undressed. Once on the table, he did a really quick look on one side to make sure that my follicles were still there. Two still were, and he neither checked the other side nor measured them. Then, he proceeded to do something down there (I was tilted, so I couldn't tell what he was doing, and Broom stood at the other end in shock, but at least I could see her- which helped despite the fact that she looked horrified). He explained nothing, and was very rough. After maybe 10 seconds, he un-tilted the chair and handed me a paper towel and told me to get dressed. The whole thing, including him asking the nurse the questions, lasted MAX 5 minutes.

We were both in shock.

Broom asked "Was that it, with the sperm?". He simply replied with a yes, and went back to the other room. They could tell from our patient ID that this was our first try, and he didn't explain a thing, nor did he ask if we wanted to do it ourselves! Since this is what we agreed upon with our normal doc, we expected this to be the case- and I thought that he was putting in a tube so that we could do it.

We were then ushered back into his office, given our prescription for the shot to cause ovulation, and go back to the waiting room. There we had to ask about an item on the bill which wasn't explained, since they needed to take blood.

Still in shock, I laid my legs on Broom's lap while we waited for the shot to be delivered, since we know this helps. After the shot and the blood work, we had me lay down on another bench outside to relax and help the swimmers up before we had the long drive back home.

Now, we are pretty sure the shot did its job and that I ovulated that night, and I keep telling myself that this doesn't matter too much as long as it worked. This baby we are trying to make is still made out of love, despite the clinical setting, and us helping nature along.

All The Waiting has begun. Only 6-9 more days until we can trust a pregnancy test. It has been emotionally draining and I have been really clingy, but, I am trying to stay cautiously positive.

Send my uterus good vibes, mkay?

It's a Beautiful Day!

We have had great weather here lately, which hasn't even been dampened by the fact that we both have colds.
In the past few weeks, a major stressor at work has been removed and we have been making big steps towards officially trying to conceive. In short- things are good!

All of the paperwork is in, as well as the big payment. Now, all we have to do is monitor and pay per try.
I was even able to get a look at my folicles on Friday, and the Clomid they had me on to offset the sperm (which will be slower since it was frozen) did it's job- because 4 were quite big! (But please, no quadruplets, mkay?). Today is our appointment, about an hour and a half away, and we are trying to remain cautiously hopeful- which can be hard since I have been taking 3 OPKs a day to know exactly when my LH starts. Before driving back, I will be propping myself up somewhere for at least 30 min. At least it will be a little comical, lol.

It is hard to get my head from rotating around this one thought and gathering all of the information that I can find about it- and be gentle with myself. We have to start somewhere, and the odds are decent. So, we will see.
Looking forward to the appointment and hoping that the waiting until I am able to take a pregnancy test won't kill me.

Good think I am getting certified in HR soon, and can concentrate on studying for the test. It is also quite handy that the first try is the day before a holiday, so I took today off rather than getting a sick note from the doctor- which is always a little easier, and no one suspects a thing.

Keep your fingers crossed, and your thumbs pressed!

Baby Steps

After careful consideration, Broom and I have decided to throw over-cautiousness to the wind and go ahead and start the steps towards trying to conceive.

So, we have been trying to get a notary to notarize our contract with the sperm bank that we will be using- which has turned out to be a tick more complicated than we had anticipated. The one I picked out of google flipped the hell out and said parts of it were not kosher. However, after some legal consul, we realize that he was just overreacting. But, we are still left with the problem of finding a notary who will do it- which probably means going to the one the sperm bank recommended to us, which is about an hour and a half away.

However, after we do that, and hand them over some cash, we are OK to start!
It is kind of scary and relieving at the same time, to finally be working towards our goal of a family.
With all of the uncertainty we have both had professionally lately, it is nice to know that we at least have the control in this aspect of our lives.

Here is to sending positive vibes to my ovaries!

Happy Easter, Everyone!

Having been brought up Catholic, Easter used to be a pretty Big Deal.

Now, I am not sure what I believe, exactly, and I think that is just foin by me, there is no rush to put limits on the framework of beliefs I have. I no longer have a need to "pin it down" and find real solace in Biodanza and the connection I have with those in my group.

Good thing I was able to eat some Kinder Eggs yesterday, because I woke up this morning with that yucky rumble that means you need to worship the porcelean Gods- and quick!
Needless to say, I've been under the weather since and trying to get used to food again slowly!

Luckily, Broom has been helpful with tea and other snacks to test the "waters" of my empty stomach.

But, hey, at least my day isn't going as badly as this cameraman's is!

At least I only ruined my own Easter (and maybe Broom's) by being sick, right?

I can only imagine that he had to throw away his shoes afterwards... Too bad bunny body guards don't exist...

Happy Easter, Everyone!

Politics

Sometimes I have a real problem understanding how things work in our society, and wonder if it wouldn't indeed be easier if we all insisted on a work/life balance and honesty.

To not lead a family on who is open about the fact that they would love to grow, but have had a setback on the job front. To not expect limitless numbers of overtime for the good of the company who won't appreciate it anyway, especially not if you don't take work home.

This is a game I really don't want to play, I left the political commercials at home (one great benefit of being an expat), and life really is way to short to kill myself with work for a job that isn't even helping people or producing something that saves lives- it really isn't a life-changer if another widget isn't produced, is it?

This leads me back to the whole "What do I want to be when I grow up?!?" topic. A part of me is pretty sure that I will never really know.  But one thing is for sure, once I pay off the education that got me here, I will be looking for a job where the overtime makes a difference and getting THAT widget off the production line really maters. For an added bonus, it would be excellent to have management that doesn't belittle the work you do put in, or make half-assed decisions that no one understands. But that might be asking for too much.

Politics are unfortunately everywhere.

Biodanza

I have recently taken up Biodanza.

At first, I knew absolutely nothing about it, although its description from the invitation from an international group I am in sounded pretty "hippie".
But for some reason, it sounded like something I had to do.

Completely unlike me, I didn't even Google it first, I just showed up! (I googled only later :) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biodanza)
Automatically I was greeted with hugs from most, more relaxed handshakes from others.
It felt like they wanted to really get to know me from the first moment onwards- something that isn't common in German culture.
It usually takes awhile to get people to warm up to you- and it certainly isn't a given.

The introduction our teacher gave (in English too, as one of our group can't speak German) had me a little worried, even more so than when I realized that we were going to be dancing barefoot!
But the dances- however unexpected and "unusual" seemed to release all of my work stress and let me concentrate on me and letting the movements be me and bond with other people in the group.

In short, I am now a Biodanza junkie!
I haven't had such a cozy group feeling- like people really take me as I am- since my years in the youth group back in the US.
Only after attending did I realize how I truly missed this closeness that comes so quickly in American friendships- but this is something that doesn't feel like it will fade overnight as those quick "BFF" American moment sometimes do.

I think next time I will tell the group again how much their openness and true care has helped me feel even more at home here, even after so many years and adaptations to the culture.
In the past few weeks, I really feel like it is this and Broom that has kept me from giving in to the Burnout symptoms I've been having and put everything in perspective.

Thank goodness for whims!

6 Years and 4 days ago...

....I walked out of a train and met up with the tutor that had been assigned to me during my study abroad period. We had been writing one another and I was sure to bother her about what dorm I was assigned to pretty much every day.

I still have that first email.

"my name is Broom and I am a student at the university of X". Where she went on to explain that she would be responsible for me while I was there- to show me how things worked there, etc.

Little did we know, that we would fall in love (I know what you are thinking, I was the initiator, though- Broom was clueless to my crush.).

Years later I found out that I wasn't the 1st choice for the scholarship that brought me to that German university town- the first place winner declined and Broom was assigned to take care of me after requesting someone she could practice her English with.

The rest, you could say, is history!

Here is to many more annaversaries of the day we met and many more wedding annaversaries too!!

Balance

Lately, I have been struggling to find a balance in life.

Not concentrating too much on work can be hard, considering how much overtime I've been putting in. I feel like I have been fighting to defend my job, and a part of me wonders if it is even worth the trouble.

I've told myself I will only keep up this number of overtime hours until the end of the month- then I need to get my work life and my personal life balanced out again. I can defend until then, then I need to put my foot down. But, due to the "fight" I am worried that if I show weakness, I will have lost before the bell. But how important is this, anyway?

No one is going to thank you for killing yourself at work- and I've practically lost the "fight" already- merely because of my age. Apparently being in your late 20's is too young for HR in Germany (or at least in my current company, since I've gotten contacted by headhunters lately).

I have to concentrate more on the bigger goal- staying happy, healthy, and balanced.

And- as soon as Broom has more job clarity, we are starting insemination & then I will be off for a year and a half anyways.

So- in the immortal words of South Park (thank God I can't remember which character used to say this) "Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

My life is more important than tipping the scales on what is balanced and what isn't. I believe I can have a successful career, and a life.

An Ode to my Auto

Dear Auto,

I still have faith in you.

You are my fanciest car by far, and it is great that Broom and I are financing you (even though she can't yet drive). In about a year and a half, you will truly be ours!

That being said, WTF, mate?

First, slippery salesman fails to mention that you need a new transmission. But we get an appointment quickly to get this done. However, the first one is broken, and the second one spends more time on its way from Italy than planned (I am convinced it took a vacation on the way), so the mechanics had the car for a total of 2 months.

About a month afterwards, my mechanic discovers a bunch of rust they covered up with paint. Then the check engine light comes on, which two other mechanics delete since they can't figure out why you are on.

Then the battery dies.
And someone else deletes the light.
And the check engine light comes on again before I've even left the parking lot with my new battery.

Valve replaced, light gone!
Success!

Five days later, when the artic front here keeps the temperature at around 7 F or -11 C, you don't start.

And the ADAC's lines were busy for four hours last night. So, I am waiting on a ride to work and debating when to try and get you fixed and WTF is wrong?!? You can tell me, I have faith in you!!!

So, get better soon, mkay?
I'd love to be able to rely on you more and even expand our bonding and give you an Auto name (I was thinking Roma, but I haven't checked with Broom yet- and this is a big decision!), but I really need you to pull through for us.

Love,
Quatsch & Broom

How Many Homos Does it Take to Jump a Car Battery?

On Thursday, I went out to my car to start it and go to work.

The night before, I went to my first-ever Biodanza course. I have to say, it was a lot more hippie than I had been expecting. However, it is the closest that I have felt to people I have just met since I was in a youth group. It was nice to connect to these people in many ways, and to be able to dance and not have a care in the world. I felt accepted as I am and it was lovely.

Since the dancing went past my normal bedtime (11pm, lame!), I slept in a little bit.

I started the car, cleared off the winshield, and got in. After I put it in drive, the car started acting up and the radio kept turning on and off and the power steering wouldn't work. I turned off the car to turn it back on again to see if the problems went away, but the battery was dead. (But at least I had scraped off the windshield!)

After getting one colleague to take me to work, and another- who is also queer, to take me home, he and I proceeded to try and jump the car battery.


But- to no avail. We couldn't even get it hooked up properly and stood there like giggling schoolgirls. Whouda thunk that us two homos couldn't figure it out??